Coming out Week

I came out to my business networking group last week via email and today was my first meeting in person as Robyn. I went in face, natural hair and my heeled boots. New cute jacket that has a little of the Banana Republic flair I’ve always enjoyed.

It was a phenomenal experience. Everyone  was so happy for me. One of my dude friends, a sports loving beer drinking British tradesman, said it was wonderful to see me smiling like that.

I have not been smiling much at these meetings. Getting up and selling myself as a business person was never easy, and I think it was because I just wasn’t being myself. I didn’t like who I was selling.

Plus, the stress I had been under with my marriage crumbling and all of the fears about being openly trans and the consequences I might face….I was scared.

It felt nice to finally be here on the other side of all that and not feel scared.

I created a new business card and took them to the meeting. Wonderful to see my name in huge red letters. My previous card you actually had to work to find my name, I so wanted to not be seen.

I’m excited about being in business. I’m thrilled to be Robyn again and to take that energy and bring it to the world and my clients. I have an urgency, yes, because life is expensive and getting more so. I have responsibilities to fulfill and in some ways that’s going to be harder than ever.

In other ways it will be much easier now that I am happy and free to be myself.

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I went pretty subtle. Very light makeup. I’m not trying to look “like a woman”. This isn’t an act or a costume. I’m trying to look like me as I understand me. I think I will look increasingly more like a woman with time and practice and shopping, but I’m not stalling or hiding, waiting until my presentation is perfect to come out and live my life. It starts today. All of the surface stuff will work itself out. In the meantime I am visibly trans, or gender-queer or whatever. I am asking for female pronouns, I am using the name I want to use and I feel really good in what I am wearing.

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I just feel like Robyn again, and that is a glorious feeling for me. Carrying that into the world with spirit and confidence as way more important than the right dress or a stuffed bra. Be who you are and the world will follow.

scott0317

2002: After a 175 pound weight loss. I’m feeling amazing. My life has been saved. I have come back from morbid obesity and am full of optimism and love for myself. I am sober and “wholesome”. I am exploring my sexuality a lot, but gender not at all, which I now consider to be a crucial mistake, because for me they do work together to make the whole. Or perhaps I do consider it, but I’m insisting that I can be a man. At least give it a good try. I hadn’t ever really tried. I went from boy to girl to monster. Now I will be a man. Not a woman. That, I don’t even consider it an option. “That was cute when I was 22”, I always dismiss it with a sneer. My body is wrecked from being obese. Sagging loose flesh that I will surgically correct, but I’m still left with scars and flab that bothers me. The notion of being sexy and feminine is inconceivable to me. I won’t entertain the question.

A Short Story About A Long Trip

robyn001In 1991 I was a pretty young transvestite and wanna-be drag queen in San Francisco, exploring my gender and sexuality. I called myself Robyn. I was very happily “out”, I had lots of fabulous friends and support in the queer community, but also had a punishing, self-destructive, and addictive side that eventually won out. Continue reading “A Short Story About A Long Trip”

January 2016: Returning from my trans group having met another trans-woman with young kids. Holy shit, I'm gonna be a "Mom".

January 2016: Feeling exceptionally happy and beautiful after returning from my trans support group having met another trans-woman with young kids. Holy shit, I’m gonna be a “Mom”. I am entering transition with a wife and child. We may not remian married, but we will always be a family. I am happy and excited to be myself and free to follow my truth, and I have people I love deeply for whom I am responsible. They are not mutually exclusive. Taking care of me allows me to take care of them. I believe I will thrive as Robyn, but it does scare me sometimes, what I am taking on.